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Can Your Dating Relationship Be Remedied? Try Taking Some Responsibility
I've been counseling couples for thirty five years. Very often individuals come in for help and wonder if it is truly possible to save or strengthen their dating relationship.
Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that's harmful to the relationship, it's often difficult to see what you're doing. Yet, until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into yet another relationship.
It is generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is once you have learned to make yourself happy in spite of what your mate is doing.
If you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it is time to leave. You'll need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are healthy and supportive of your own happiness.
When the partner who's available to counseling does their own inner work, one of two things develops. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes a lot more distant and challenging.
I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal, half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. In fact, I encourage them to let go of the final result and just be in the process of understanding how to take loving care of themselves.
Let's take some examples.
Craig is miserable in his marriage simply because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig views himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. Having said that, Craig is an equal part of the relationship unit.
If he has the guts to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get much better or they'll get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.
Marilyn is committed to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. Unless Marilyn decides to do whatever she has to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with buddies, join a support group or go to Alanon, she'll no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through alcohol.
If Marilyn proceeds to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and absolutely nothing changes, then she can choose to leave. Or, she can choose to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exists that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he might choose to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this love affair be helped? Maybe. If not, get some advice on the best way to successfully transition into the dating scene, by looking up: guy gets girl, guygetsgirl, and david deangelo review.
Do your inner work and find out!
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